SE 23, 2009 • 10:15 AM
289/1 • NONE • 20 MIN BALL; STUDIO, Hometown, BC

Today I want to cheat.  I want to tell myself a bunch of personal lies. I want to be lazy and crazy and all about nothing, but foolishness.  I am soooooooo exhausted and there is still so much to do. – not to mention Emma is going to be arriving on Earth anytime now. SE is a week away from over and the overwhelm is seriously getting to me.  Sewing today.  That quilt top has been hanging waiting to be completed for a couple of years now.  I am thinking I oughta follow my own advise and do a different creative form and/or something that is grounding and centering. I don't wanna.  I want to be lazy and get outside and play.  I want to smoke cigarettes and drink. Okay, maybe the cigarette thing is a little 'over the top'. Okay a lot over the top!  It's been nearly 7 years since I went on vacation from smoking. Mostly I don't even think about them anymore.  On the odd

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occasion that I do – it's kind of a distant hankering now rather than a real, deep uncontrollable pull. I don't fiend after them anymore. (sigh) Though it would be nice.  Well not nice, but comfortable in a way. Two weeks and my friend will be here for a visit. Maybe.  I am  still not convinced that she will actually be able to get on the plane and leave her family – even for a few days.  And if she does manage it I think she will be a little more than a little miserable.  I'm thinking that maybe, George and I can get away for a few days on what was supposed o be our 3 months off time (OC 17/09) D will be moving into the house and we can go for a few days and then come back and do some finals on the web transfer to Ubercart and then fly over to go to my BFR III program.  I wonder if we ought to stay over there for a while? The island.  I don't want to give up my time on the island.  

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I need the ocean – sometimes like I need air.  Suddenly I am so sad.  It has descended and the tears are filling my vision. Why? Weeping.  Fear. Loneliness. Despair. What the heck?  Focus. Focus on something else. Like what? Like … umm-mm I feel stuck.  Time to shower.  Wash away the feelings – look at them objectively.  What's going on?  I need to do something that is … not work, not productive, not a gotta-do, not – who knows? Okay, half a page left.  I need to spend time with a friend. I need to make some art? I need to make a list of ideas for when S comes to visit. I need to study – the BFR III is actually pretty soon – 6 weeks away.  I am not feeling ready. The sadness is releasing its grip. I need to make an art gif for routing visitors to the resource section.  Maybe, I can use some of the badges? Yes! That;s a good thought.  Now a shower.  Thank you, God, for everything! tah TDa!